Finding the words
We have been home for over 3 months now and every day I think about updating this blog. Yet, each day, the words escape me. Honestly, I just can't seem to find the words. Being home has been amazing. Surreal. Crazy. I am not really sure how to describe the feeling. Some days it almost feels like the whole crazy process leading up to home was just a dream and that Aven and Evie have always been with us. Other days, ill see something or read something and boom, I'm right back on those red dirt roads of Uganda.
Five years ago, I set out to Uganda with my dad. Completely unaware of just how much this place would change my life. Five years ago, my son was a little two year old. Who knows, maybe, just maybe, we passed him and his birth mom on the streets. While my heart ached to know what my life was going to look like in two, three, five years; God knew just what it would look like and he also knew that my heart wasn't ready to know quite yet.
Two years ago, Jim and I announced that we were moving over to Uganda to do mission work for a year. Two years ago, our daughter was still just a hope in a mothers heart and our son was spending the last short months with his birth mother before her passing.
God's timing is amazing. I still can't find the right words, or completely process how he orchestrated each tiny little detail. While I desperately love Aven and Evie with every fiber of my being, I think of their birth mother often. Wondering if just maybe, she is watching us, if she is proud of her children and happy for them.
God knew all of the details, he planted that move in our hearts and while we knew we wanted to adopt, and go to Uganda for mission work, we truly never could have imagined all He had for us. I haven't really spoken about all of the "details" of our time in Uganda and surrounding our adoption because as the title of this post states- I am having a hard time finding the words. Certain aspects of the year bring the biggest smile to my face and other aspects immediately bring me to tears.
So, I guess I will just write and hope I find the right words. I will start with this- our year in Africa was the best, and the hardest year of our lives. We were challenged everyday and it was SO good for us. When we first set out, I was filled with excitement. I tried to go into the year having no expectations, but as hard as I tried my expectations were there. I tried to push them away, but they remained. It was hard when things didn't quite live up to my expectations. But, yet again, it was SO good for me when they didn't. Truly, if the year had just lived up to my expectations, it wouldn't have been as spectacular as it was. I wouldn't have visibly seen God orchestrate each aspect of our adoption and seeing that changed me.
My whole life I have been comfortable. I have never truly struggled. I had loving parents, a roof over our head and a stable life. Moving to Uganda completely shattered that for me. I struggled. The language, the food, the different aspects of the culture that took time to understand, and learning to just live a completely different life then I was accustomed to. It shattered me. It brought out my worst. I just couldn't understand the 'why' of the situation. Luckily, it was there that I had a great realization. I had claimed my whole life that I trusted God and his plan for my life- but I had never really HAD to trust him. I always had a safety net- I was able to control and make my life the way I thought it should be. Granted, God stepped in plenty of times, but I never had to completely GIVE up and give it to Him. Until our year in Uganda.
It was the days and nights after Jim left, when I was alone, that God just shattered me. The nights where I sat by candle light, crying, hoping to go home and having no idea when that time might come. You see, now that I am home, it is hard to even describe that feeling of desperation. It even seems silly to write about it. But, it was hard for me, I struggled. But, in those moments where I struggled I learned an invaluable lesson- you can claim you trust The Lord and his plan in your life or you can live it. Some people just choose to live it and follow through with that plan. I needed a little more of a push. It took me getting stuck in a third world country to realize I've never had control but He has and that's OK.
I'll never forget our first embassy appointment- I cried my eyes out when the lady requested more tests and documentation. My hope was absolutely crushed and would continue to be the next four times we went to the embassy. Everyday I woke up hoping "maybe today is the day" and at the end of each day I realized {yet again} that I needed to be patient and that His timing will be perfect. Then came our final appointment- I'll never forget the lady saying "congratulations you, your son, and your daughter are going home". I have wondered, guessed at, and questioned why things played out the way they did and I have come up with the fact that God knew I needed to just trust him, fully, with no limits. Truly, us being home is nothing short of a miracle.
Five years ago, I set out to Uganda with my dad. Completely unaware of just how much this place would change my life. Five years ago, my son was a little two year old. Who knows, maybe, just maybe, we passed him and his birth mom on the streets. While my heart ached to know what my life was going to look like in two, three, five years; God knew just what it would look like and he also knew that my heart wasn't ready to know quite yet.
Two years ago, Jim and I announced that we were moving over to Uganda to do mission work for a year. Two years ago, our daughter was still just a hope in a mothers heart and our son was spending the last short months with his birth mother before her passing.
God's timing is amazing. I still can't find the right words, or completely process how he orchestrated each tiny little detail. While I desperately love Aven and Evie with every fiber of my being, I think of their birth mother often. Wondering if just maybe, she is watching us, if she is proud of her children and happy for them.
God knew all of the details, he planted that move in our hearts and while we knew we wanted to adopt, and go to Uganda for mission work, we truly never could have imagined all He had for us. I haven't really spoken about all of the "details" of our time in Uganda and surrounding our adoption because as the title of this post states- I am having a hard time finding the words. Certain aspects of the year bring the biggest smile to my face and other aspects immediately bring me to tears.
So, I guess I will just write and hope I find the right words. I will start with this- our year in Africa was the best, and the hardest year of our lives. We were challenged everyday and it was SO good for us. When we first set out, I was filled with excitement. I tried to go into the year having no expectations, but as hard as I tried my expectations were there. I tried to push them away, but they remained. It was hard when things didn't quite live up to my expectations. But, yet again, it was SO good for me when they didn't. Truly, if the year had just lived up to my expectations, it wouldn't have been as spectacular as it was. I wouldn't have visibly seen God orchestrate each aspect of our adoption and seeing that changed me.
My whole life I have been comfortable. I have never truly struggled. I had loving parents, a roof over our head and a stable life. Moving to Uganda completely shattered that for me. I struggled. The language, the food, the different aspects of the culture that took time to understand, and learning to just live a completely different life then I was accustomed to. It shattered me. It brought out my worst. I just couldn't understand the 'why' of the situation. Luckily, it was there that I had a great realization. I had claimed my whole life that I trusted God and his plan for my life- but I had never really HAD to trust him. I always had a safety net- I was able to control and make my life the way I thought it should be. Granted, God stepped in plenty of times, but I never had to completely GIVE up and give it to Him. Until our year in Uganda.
It was the days and nights after Jim left, when I was alone, that God just shattered me. The nights where I sat by candle light, crying, hoping to go home and having no idea when that time might come. You see, now that I am home, it is hard to even describe that feeling of desperation. It even seems silly to write about it. But, it was hard for me, I struggled. But, in those moments where I struggled I learned an invaluable lesson- you can claim you trust The Lord and his plan in your life or you can live it. Some people just choose to live it and follow through with that plan. I needed a little more of a push. It took me getting stuck in a third world country to realize I've never had control but He has and that's OK.
I'll never forget our first embassy appointment- I cried my eyes out when the lady requested more tests and documentation. My hope was absolutely crushed and would continue to be the next four times we went to the embassy. Everyday I woke up hoping "maybe today is the day" and at the end of each day I realized {yet again} that I needed to be patient and that His timing will be perfect. Then came our final appointment- I'll never forget the lady saying "congratulations you, your son, and your daughter are going home". I have wondered, guessed at, and questioned why things played out the way they did and I have come up with the fact that God knew I needed to just trust him, fully, with no limits. Truly, us being home is nothing short of a miracle.
Beautiful beginning Emily, of the telling of the story of your life of faith.....there will be so much more!
ReplyDeleteYou've made me weep. I'm going to go find my bed and crawl in and think about all the wonderful ways God turned our life and faith upside down...thank Him and cry some more ;) love you
ReplyDelete