On grieving and being thankful
I have heard the question a million times-- "what has been the hardest part of all of this {adoption/parenting} for you?"
It is so easy to ring off the typical answers-- the waiting time during an adoption, the time just after coming home when everyone is trying to get to know one another, the crazy court process, the bureaucratic speed bumps you run into, the behavioral side of things that you experience because your kids have been through extreme trauma, etc. There are so many typical answers that I could give. So many that were incredibly hard. However, if I am being honest, none of those were the 'hardest'.
I once had someone say to me when I was talking from my heart about everything "well this is what you asked for, isn't it?"
I kinda stopped.
I mean, yes. It is absolutely what I said yes to. I don't know if I necessarily "asked" for it though.
That difference right there has easily been the hardest part of all of this.
To grieve what I thought would be, while being SO incredibly thankful for what I have.
The hardest part for me, has been people assuming this is what I asked for. I have lost friends because of that. I have watched people walk away, because they can't relate, or just don't "get" it. Quite frankly, I have watched as people started to distance themselves because our life is just plain crazy in their eyes. In the end, that is all fine, and I have gained through the losses, but it has hurt walking through it.
I want to preface this next part with this. I am so incredibly thankful for the lives that God has entrusted to me. I am so thankful that he saw me fit to mother my beautiful kids, and I wouldn't for one second change exactly what we have.
Years ago, when this all started, Jim and I planned to adopt one child, and then try to have biological kids. I have always wanted children, but when we started the adoption process, it was clear that adoption was our first choice. We were still excited to try and grow our family in other ways, but God made it clear that adoption would be how our family started.
I told God ONE child {which makes me laugh now}. We were just going to adopt one, and then you know, that would be that. Once we got into the process though, I realized, "that" would never just be "that". That if we said we believed that EVERY child deserves a loving family, we were going to have to live that out. To do whatever we could, to the best of our ability, to live those words out.
So, one turned to two, which turned to three, then four, and now here we are with five. Five blessings that I am so thankful for. Five blessings that I wish never had to go through the heartbreak they did to have it be necessary for me to be their mother.
I drove by the practice of a little boys t-ball team just a few weeks ago. I sat there stopped at the light just staring at the field. All the little children running about. One father leaning over [what I assumed to be his son] teaching him how to hold the bat. I started crying as I watched him so carefully show that little boy what to do. I thought of Jim, his love for baseball, and began to think of how normal that little moment seemed. How some days, our normal is just so incredibly different. Not leaning and teaching his sons baseball, but leaning, teaching, and loving as his son breaks down from trauma and hurt. How Jim deserved to someday have that 'normal' too, but how we just don't know exactly what God will ask of us next.
I remember telling a friend, I felt like that normal decision to have biological children, or that 'normal' decision to do anything normal keeps being pushed back, and back. When she cooly said "well this is what you asked for, isn't it?" I couldn't help but stop, and think that this is what I have said 'yes' to, and I am thankful for it, but this actually isn't what I asked for. The hardest part of all of this is that most people, from the outside looking in, think this is what we "asked" for.
So naturally, we shouldn't grieve what we once thought would be. We shouldn't grieve those simple t-ball moments. We shouldn't grieve that something seemingly normal, can bring on fits of rage and pain. That, has been the hardest part-- grieving what I thought would be, while be so incredibly thankful for what we have. Learning that sometimes the right thing makes our wants look a lot different. Learning that when we say we believe in something, we should live that out.
To learn that God knows what is best for our family has been the hardest thing of all. To trust Him, with all of it, when NONE of it feels normal. Trust that He knows what is right. To trust Him in every hard yes, and know that He will walk us through each of them. He certainly has, and my goodness has He been faithful. I know that He will continue to be faithful as we walk forward in whatever He wants of us.
I wouldn't change for a second what we have now, but maybe, just maybe this will help someone understand that it is OK to grieve what you once thought would be, and then move on to exactly what He has for you.
So much love from our little {unexpected} family to yours.
It is so easy to ring off the typical answers-- the waiting time during an adoption, the time just after coming home when everyone is trying to get to know one another, the crazy court process, the bureaucratic speed bumps you run into, the behavioral side of things that you experience because your kids have been through extreme trauma, etc. There are so many typical answers that I could give. So many that were incredibly hard. However, if I am being honest, none of those were the 'hardest'.
I once had someone say to me when I was talking from my heart about everything "well this is what you asked for, isn't it?"
I kinda stopped.
I mean, yes. It is absolutely what I said yes to. I don't know if I necessarily "asked" for it though.
That difference right there has easily been the hardest part of all of this.
To grieve what I thought would be, while being SO incredibly thankful for what I have.
The hardest part for me, has been people assuming this is what I asked for. I have lost friends because of that. I have watched people walk away, because they can't relate, or just don't "get" it. Quite frankly, I have watched as people started to distance themselves because our life is just plain crazy in their eyes. In the end, that is all fine, and I have gained through the losses, but it has hurt walking through it.
I want to preface this next part with this. I am so incredibly thankful for the lives that God has entrusted to me. I am so thankful that he saw me fit to mother my beautiful kids, and I wouldn't for one second change exactly what we have.
Years ago, when this all started, Jim and I planned to adopt one child, and then try to have biological kids. I have always wanted children, but when we started the adoption process, it was clear that adoption was our first choice. We were still excited to try and grow our family in other ways, but God made it clear that adoption would be how our family started.
I told God ONE child {which makes me laugh now}. We were just going to adopt one, and then you know, that would be that. Once we got into the process though, I realized, "that" would never just be "that". That if we said we believed that EVERY child deserves a loving family, we were going to have to live that out. To do whatever we could, to the best of our ability, to live those words out.
So, one turned to two, which turned to three, then four, and now here we are with five. Five blessings that I am so thankful for. Five blessings that I wish never had to go through the heartbreak they did to have it be necessary for me to be their mother.
I drove by the practice of a little boys t-ball team just a few weeks ago. I sat there stopped at the light just staring at the field. All the little children running about. One father leaning over [what I assumed to be his son] teaching him how to hold the bat. I started crying as I watched him so carefully show that little boy what to do. I thought of Jim, his love for baseball, and began to think of how normal that little moment seemed. How some days, our normal is just so incredibly different. Not leaning and teaching his sons baseball, but leaning, teaching, and loving as his son breaks down from trauma and hurt. How Jim deserved to someday have that 'normal' too, but how we just don't know exactly what God will ask of us next.
I remember telling a friend, I felt like that normal decision to have biological children, or that 'normal' decision to do anything normal keeps being pushed back, and back. When she cooly said "well this is what you asked for, isn't it?" I couldn't help but stop, and think that this is what I have said 'yes' to, and I am thankful for it, but this actually isn't what I asked for. The hardest part of all of this is that most people, from the outside looking in, think this is what we "asked" for.
So naturally, we shouldn't grieve what we once thought would be. We shouldn't grieve those simple t-ball moments. We shouldn't grieve that something seemingly normal, can bring on fits of rage and pain. That, has been the hardest part-- grieving what I thought would be, while be so incredibly thankful for what we have. Learning that sometimes the right thing makes our wants look a lot different. Learning that when we say we believe in something, we should live that out.
To learn that God knows what is best for our family has been the hardest thing of all. To trust Him, with all of it, when NONE of it feels normal. Trust that He knows what is right. To trust Him in every hard yes, and know that He will walk us through each of them. He certainly has, and my goodness has He been faithful. I know that He will continue to be faithful as we walk forward in whatever He wants of us.
I wouldn't change for a second what we have now, but maybe, just maybe this will help someone understand that it is OK to grieve what you once thought would be, and then move on to exactly what He has for you.
So much love from our little {unexpected} family to yours.
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