Find You Here

It's Monday morning our time, I am sitting here on our front porch, and a cool breeze is blowing through. The birds are chirping, Aven is building tents out of leaves for the ants, and Ezekiel is next to me playing incessantly with his balloon. 

Every adoption process, I have found a song that just absolutely spoke to my heart. Typically  I just happen upon them randomly. For Aven and Evie, it was the song "Oceans", for Brian, it was "You Make Me Brave" and for Jensen it was the song "Forever". I hadn't found my song for E until just now-- as he sits next to me with his joyful smile, quirky laugh, and peaceful demeanor. It played randomly, and tears fell down my cheeks as I listened to the words. 

It's perfect. You see, I walked into this adoption with SO much fear and anxiety. I left home last week to walk into the uncertainty of this process AGAIN. I realize it is all worth it-- every pain-staking moment, but I couldn't shake the weight on my heart. We got here late at night, and then next morning set out to pick up Ezekiel. I walked into the small office at his orphanage and there he sat, smile beaming right at me. He didn't pause for a moment. 

I know it may seem silly, but E speaks to my heart in ways I never expected. He has to work hard at everything he does. He has to put in extra effort. On top of all of that, he has lost his normal, and is now learning to be a son and brother. He hasn't complained, whined, or cried once in the past days with us. I know that may come, and I expect it to, but when I post pictures of him smiling the best part is that he is ALWAYS smiling. He is full of JOY. He is genuine. The most overwhelming part of that-- I get to be his mom. I get to call him my son. I get to tuck him in each night. I get to clean and bandage all of his cuts from falling at his orphanage. I get to make him each meal he eats. I get to answer his every need. I get to tell him I love him. 

Being his mom is a privilege I am not worthy of. 

My anxiety and fears? He has squashed them right here. Behind the eyes of my joyful son. I have such peace that we are right where we are meant to be. God is in the details. If He is asking you to trust Him, then trust Him. Lay down your fears and trust Him. 

So, that song? 

Find You Here-- Ellie Holcomb 

It's not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear
It's not the road we would have chosen, no
The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead
But You're asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead

And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace
So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry us through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fears, with peace

You say that I should come to You with everything I need
You're asking me to thank You even when the pain is deep
You promise that You'll come and meet us on the road ahead
And no matter what the fear says, You give me a reason to be glad

And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace
So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fear

Here in the middle of the lonely night

Here in the middle of the losing fight, You're

Here in the middle of the deep regret

Here when the healing hasn't happened yet

Here in the middle of the desert place

Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face

Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms

You can see my pain and it breaks Your heart

And I didn't know I'd find You here

In the middle of my deepest fear, but

You are drawing near

You are overwhelming me with, peace

So I'll lift my voice and sing

You're gonna carry me through everything

You are drawing near

You're overwhelming all my fear with peace

Rejoice, rejoice

Don't have to worry 'bout a single thing, 'cause

You are overwhelming me with, peace!

Don't have to worry 'bout a single thing

You're gonna carry us through everything

Overwhelming peace ...